I've had this topic on my mind for weeks now, wondering if I should blog about it. The reason I decided to go ahead and put this out there is because I need your feedback. If you're reading this, please tell me what you think. I don't care if you agree with me, disagree with me, if you're LDS or not LDS, please leave a comment and tell me what you think I should do. If you do not want your comment made public, please email me your thoughts at meohmyers@hotmail.com.
Whew. Okay. So you want to know what's been consuming my mind lately?! The idea of having THE TALK with my boys!! Yes, that's right. The SEX talk. The reason I need your input is because I have time to prepare and research books, articles, whatever you recommend for this occasion. Brady is going into the 4th grade next year and that's when the school decides to introduce sex ed. I, of course, would rather he hear it from home, first. I've heard of some books out there that are age appropriate but would like to know if you have any suggestions. Do I skip the book idea all together? Do I just lay it out there and wait for all the questions? Do I speak to my boys separately or together? I'd like to know if you have already had the talk with your children, how it went, what you'd do differently, or if you know exactly how you will approach this topic with your children, what your plans are.
The reason I'm including Cameron - my first grader - in on this is because of this recent conversation:
Cameron: So, mom, we're not going to have any more babies in our family?
Mom: Nope, Cameron, we're not. We are done having babies.
Cameron: So what if you're walking one day and then get pregnant?
Mom: Well, I'll have to tell you someday how mommies get pregnant. It can't really happen while walking.
Cameron: Oh. Well, then how does it happen?
Mom: I would love to tell you how it happens when Daddy and I can talk to you more about it. Since we're just now walking into Blockbuster, we won't really have time. I'll have to tell you later.
I didn't want to have the whole sex ed conversation with my 7 year old in Blockbuster, so I hope I didn't ruin my chances of open communication with him. But later that night while laying in his bed, he continued with this:
Cameron: Hey, Mom, remember when you said you'd tell me later how mommies get pregnant? Is it later?
Mom: Yep, it sure is! But if you don't mind, I'd like to speak to you and Brady about it together. That way we can be sure to answer all of your questions.
Cameron: How come? Isn't it easy to get pregnant?
Mom: Well, it's easier for some than others. I'll tell you all about it when Daddy and I can talk to you and Brady without the girls. We'll go to a park or something, just the 4 of us. It's a really special conversation and I want to make sure we have time to talk and you have my full attention. Is that okay?
Cameron: Okay. But I already know something special that you need to get pregnant.
He was fingerspelling the letters L-O-V-E without saying it.
Mom: That's the most important thing you need to get pregnant. You're absolutely right!
Then our conversation turned towards marriage, asking a girl to marry him, what if she says no, what if he never becomes a daddy. Yeah, all this from my 7 year old. That's why I want to include him in on the whole sex talk with Brady.
So, that's it. Tell me what you think. I'm trying not to make this a big deal - meaning awkward or unapproachable. I'm hoping for open communication with my children, I just knew this conversation would take place eventually and here it is right around the corner. I'd love some feedback from you.
33 comments:
I think using a book as a resource is a great idea. It may give you ideas of what to say, how to answer questions, etc. I've heard of a book called, "How to Talk to your Child About Sex" by Richard and Linda Eyre. I haven't read it yet but plan to when my children reach an age I feel is appropriate to talk to them about sex. I think you're headed in the right direction. I'm also curious to see what others say about this topic.
Looks like no one is commenting on this one yet. This just happened with Mattie. She's in 4th grade.
We had a FHE night and I said to her, I'll answer any questions you have tonight. Well we were talking about general things. Then she asked the question. How does the baby get inside the stomache. Well she asked now what.
I equated to how a flower grows. She already knows the body so that was over, but I talked about the seed and how it grows. It needs water, sun and fertilizer. Well the woman has the water, the warmth but not the other. That is what the man has. That is where marriage comes in to have children because it takes both male and female. Then I said how it happens in a easy way and she just looked at me and said "that makes sense". Then she said that wasn't the question. How does the spirit get in to the baby. I wanted to die. Didn't have to go there but glad its over. Then I bore my testimony of the love that daddy and I have for her and how special it is to have children and the importance of marriage and by the end of the conversation we were bawling and she said she felt special. Boys are different to teach, mine were. Its just important to emphasize that it is not a subject to joke about with others. And all questions will and can be answered by you (parents). There will be shocking questions. But if they trust you to come to you with it, you can reinforce your values and beliefs. Sorry this is so long, but its a big question.
I watched a talk given by the Eyre's at Education week one time. They are awesome. They have like 10 or 14 kids or something. They told each of their children on their 8th birthday. They got dressed up, and went on the date with their child to a nice restaurant, and laid it all out there over dinner. When I first heard of them telling an 8 year old, I thought it was too young. But I don't think so now.
I think it depends a lot on the age and maturity of the child. It sounds like Cameron is ready to hear some of the details. At least the generals. I think it's a great idea for you and Jeff to have the talk with both of the boys. It sounds like if you put it off with Cameron, he will continue to ask. So you may as well do it now.
Hannah doesn't know all of it yet, but she knows parts. I think that it's so important to let the children lead in this discussion. And by that, I mean you put the basics out there, and then let their questions take the lead. Does that make sense?
This conversation is scary, but like you said, you want there to be complete and open communication. The one thing that impressed me the most in the Eyre's talk was that he said that after one of their daughters was married, she came home with her husband for a visit. She and her dad got to talking one day about marriage, and she told him that the reason that she kept herself pure and waited until she was married was because of the way that her parents described everything. She knew from their discussion just how beautiful and sacred it was to them in their marriage, and she didn't want anything other than what they had.
Whew....
It will all go just fine. Just follow the Spirit and you will say exactly what your boys need to hear.
Wow. I wish I could help but I am totally clueless in that department and just so happy that I haven't had to deal with it yet. But I know it won't be long. Good luck and please let us all know, what worked, what didn't, etc.
Lately Katlyn has been asking....I leave it up to the children....when they start to question things. I will tell them truthfully! We were watching a Discovery channel on how pigs are artificially insemenated! They showed a bag of collected sperm. She asked what sperm was? I told her! Then I told her that is what guys have to help make the baby! That is what our dog Bear had to help create the puppies! Then she asked where it came from...and I told her! i wasn't embarrassed. I told her with a straight face. I once again told her that only moms' and dads' should do this. It is a very special power H.F. has given us and no one else should do it unless you are married and inlove! What about animals....Katlyn asked? And animals can do it! They don't have to be married! Whew!!!
I just think children should know....let them know the boundries and how special it is!
Good luck! Fun when kids grow and learn....they are lucky to have us as thier parents!
(Thanks for the note from Iraq. The kids loved it!)
I am no where near this subject yet with my boys, but I would say one thing do a general topic search on LDS.org and see what pops up you can then find specific talks and general authority quotes on the topic. Hope this helps and good luck.
I'm with you on the not knowing what to do on this one either. I'm a big fan of books, I love to hear opinions from the so-called experts and then take what feels right for my family and leave the rest. You'll have to let us all know what worked for you and what didn't.
Here's what's been working for us so far:
1st we started when Ty wanted to start - when he was 4 years old. He was naturally curious about how a baby got into my tummy, so we got the book 'What to Expect When Your Mommy's Expecting' It was fantastic for that age. The main thing we took from that book was that making a baby is a lot like putting together a puzzle. The Mom has one piece and the Dad has the other. Our 4-year-old only needed to know that his parents put the puzzle pieces together and his baby brother started to grow. That is the foundation that we have built on. We have always taken our cues from him, so that we know EXACTLY what he is asking. And address his concern exactly. You might remember at dinner one night in 2nd grade, he asked 'what's humping' I totally giggled at first, but after regaining my composure, asked where he had heard it, and what is was. A friend in his class had told him that Mom's and Dad's do a 'naked dance' called humping. We simply explained that it was another name for making a baby and he was completely satisfied.
He brings the topic up occasionally, and we build upon the foundation we have started.
I guess what I am saying is to me the most important aspect of this 'talk' is keeping an open line of communication. I think too often parents expect their kids to get it the first time they talk and hope that the topic is never brought up again. I think that only creates a lot of curiousity.
We haven't discussed what the 'puzzle pieces' are exactly, but we will for sure get to that, when Ty is ready. If that is the week before the 4th grade presentation, that's fine with me. I see no need to rush it.
It sounds to me like Cameron just might be more ready that Brady at this point. If it were me, I would probably answer Cameron's questions and let it go and see if Brady comes up with questions of his own.
My concern about the 'dinner conversation' in that book is that it might be making too big of a deal about it. I would be afraid that my child might not feel they could come to me with a question without it being a big discussion that has to wait for a special time. I really want our kids to be able to come to either of us at any time with their questions and know they will get an answer. They know that there are no secrets, but there are questions I am sure that kids would prefer to ask one or the other parent.
I feel like I am totally rambling, but I want to add that I think it is so important to teach them how special it is to you. I love what Jan said about her experience.
Let us know what you decide to do. Good Luck!
Holy comment, Batman!
Thanks for all your input ladies! I really appreciate all of them and am taking each idea into consideration.
My fear with putting Cameron off when he started asking was exactly what you said, Nicole. I am afraid of him feeling like there has to be a "special" time to ask questions and get answers. I was just caught off guard and up to that point hadn't considered how I would answer their questions if they asked. That's right, too, that Cameron seems more ready than Brady for some answers. I've always brushed off the "where do babies come from" question with the "Heavenly Father" answer. I probably should have been building a foundation for an easier conversation when the time arose. oops.
Yikes, this whole topic is overwhelming. I appreciate all the feedback!!!
Wow! You have some great answers, I don't think I can add anything that will be of use. I am dreading this day as well. Shay has asked a few questions and we have answered them, but not gone totally into deep details, so far she seems ok with that.
Great topic Kim. I think it is awesome to have a forum to get ideas from others, what has worked, what hasn't.
I agree that it should be the children's questions that prompt detailed discussions. Ethan is almost 9 and has asked NO questions yet. Therefore, we haven't had the talk with him yet. But he will begin sex ed next year, and we will need to address it then.
When my girls went through sex ed, I went to the school to review the information they would be discussing so that I would know what to talk with them about when they came home each day.
When the time came, to have the discussions, I only gave them very basic information, and then let them ask questions. I answered them honestly and basically, because I didn't want to overwhelm them with info. They were squeamish at the very mention of male genitalia, so I knew that I couldn't tell them the intimate details of how babies are made.
I figured that as time went on, they would have more questions, and I would be able to give them the information as they became ready to hear it. Now they are 12 and 11 and when full on puberty hits, I think it will be time to revisit "THE TALK."
I was so worried and stressed over having those conversations, but once they began, I realized that it was a sweet opportunity to have a spiritual talk with my girls. About the sactitiy and sacredness of marriage relationships. It also was an opportunity to ask them to commit to living a clean life. To make promises to themselves that they would always keep themselves clean.
I think it was a great suggestion from Jan, to remind children that it is not something to joke about. I reminded my girls that it is a sacred thing that we don't talk about with friends or make jokes about.
Hopefully, my comment is too long, I apologize. But this is a great topic, thanks for bringing it up.
Wow Kim, I dont know what to say after all of that. You have some great advice here. My oldest is 9 and she has asked questions here and there. I have a very low key talk with here when she starts asking questions. If you dont seem suprised or uncomfortable then I think it helps them to feel comfortable talking about it. The less of a deal I make it seem to my Hannah the better she takes it without wigging out! When your kids do come to you with questions that stun you just try not to act suprised ever so they will continue to come to you. I want my kids to know that they can always come to me before anyone else and that no question is a dumb question. I just only give them the info they may need at that present time in their life.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you. But hopefully your talk will go well. I dont have boys so I dont have to do that side of the talk. So good luck to you. Me and Hannah did have the puberty talk last year and it seemed early and she giggled and ooohhhed alot but now she knows and she will be ready when it hits!!
Have fun.
These are great comments. I just wanted to say that when your kids are older, if they do happen to mess up, be kind to them. Don't berate them or make snide comments or be angry with them. You will probably feel like that in the moment of shock, but hold your tongue. They already feel crappy enough about what they did, and how you react will stick in their minds forever. If you are fortunate enough that they will go to you and talk about what they did, be compassionate, loving, and forgiving. Hopefully that way you can help them in starting over and not falling to temptation again.
Everybody gave such great input that I don't feel like I have anything else to add really. I do agree with alot that has already been said. I'm glad you posted this. It gives us a lot to think about.
Wow, hot topic! I tried to leave a comment yesterday but there was some error with Google and it didn't post. It looks like you received a lot of great feedback, some of which I'll use, myself! I haven't reached this phase yet in our childrearing, so I don't have much to say about it. I just try to cultivate good relationships with my children so they will feel comfortable approaching me about this stuff. It sounds like you're already on the right path, and now you have a lot of good advice to draw from when talking w/your children.
Thank you anonymous for making that comment! I had one parent that would not belittle me and another that would! Who did I go to when I had a concern about "Going to Far"......the one who doesn't judge or overreact!
Hold your tongue and show unconditional love....like Heavenly Father!
Wow! What a fun subject!
You all know how blunt I am! I hope I don't offend anyone?
This has been really great to read everyone's input on this topic. I've definitely become more prepared and have some great ideas. I've been doing a lot of reading and hope this conversation goes well with the boys. Bottom line is that I want them to be able to talk to me about anything, anytime. Exactly, that no question is dumb and that they can even come to me and talk out any mistakes they've made.
WHEW!! I just can't believe I'm in this phase of life already. Thanks again for all the feedback everyone. It's given me lots to think about.
Among the tons of pages I've been reading, this quote really stood out to me. Thought I'd share. I'm not ready to share this with my boys quite yet but maybe as they get older and we're trying to reinforce the idea of a moral and chaste life...
A teenage boy was so impressed with a discussion that he and his mother had on chastity that he saved and prized this quote she gave him:
“ ‘Young Man … the girl whom you are going to marry is now alive. You may never have met her, but somewhere she is walking down a path which in the providence of God some day will cross yours. Wherever she may be, she keeps herself for you, and in her imagination you are even now a prince who some day she will gladly marry. Not for the wealth of the world would she be grossly untrue to you. How, then, are you living? You have no right to take to such a girl a life smirched with unchastity. If you do, there is a secret shame you will never outgrow, a pang that you will feel whenever your children clamber to your arms. To have a home free from all that, with memories high and beautiful, is worth anything that it may cost.”
Wow, I'm glad I was able to read this and learn from everyone else's great advice when I face that time in my children's lives. I think honesty is always the best route and I wish my paretns would have been more open about this topic with me while I was growing up. I do not want school's and my children's peers being their only source of information.
Ours happened during the hour long drive down to Jenn's parents house. We left out the explicit discussion about genitalia, as they were 8 and 5 at the time. But they know there are special functions for them as well. We talked about how the boys have the seeds in their bodies and the girls have the eggs. The eggs grow and develop after the seeds come. And how those parts have other functions as well as the daily ones. But they are to be used at the "right" time.
We covered the whos and whens of having a baby and shared the church's (and ultimately our view) of it, but also that some people who are not married like the single mom of a girl we sometimes babysit do.
We did it with a matter of fact straight out honest answer all questions attitude. Since I never got the "talk" but had a healthy older brother who filled me in on the details when I was almost a teen. However Jenn never got the talk until her college roommates filled her in at Ricks. So we made sure we wouldn't do the same with our kids.
Hi, by the way. Great topic for discussion. I found a bunch of Auburn people last week and have enjoyed reading their blogs. Susie had a link to yours. Mine's at kilstromfamily.blogspot.com.
My only comment other than the book by the Eyre's which I have heard raving reviews about is this. "Just because your kids don't ask questions about it, doesn't mean they don't have questions about it." My parents never had the TALK with me and although I had questions, being a shy, tentative and easily embarrassed child I never asked them. I remember kids talking about it in 4th grade - specifically. That is where I learned was from friends and school... I wish my mom had talked to me before that so I would have had her to ask questions of. If your kids don't bring it up at a "reasonable" age, I think it is a must for the parent to be the initiator and make it a comfortable conversation! That's my 2 cents, thanks for making me think Kim.
This is not as deep as everyone else's comments, but all I have to say is sometimes it is a curse to be a good reader. I remember you said Brady loves reading right now. If it's anything like when I was a kid, Brady's teacher will probably ask him to read out loud and have to say names of certain body parts in front of his classmates. I was mortified when my teacher asked me to read out loud from the sex ed book. If you're going to have the talk with him, maybe get a copy of the curriculum and go over the proper names and pronunciations...Just trying to look out for my nephew here.
Man, are everyone's kids really this insightful? My kids NEVER asked and finally when I was pregnant and they were in 2nd and 4th grade, I thought I might as well use the opportunity. I tried to say it nicely (which there is no sweet way to say penis and vagina!!) and my boys just looked at me and said, "that's so disgusting! and walked away. So there's what not to do!!! Good luck.
Graet topic. When it's time for me to talk to Jacob, will you come over and do it for me? I get so terrified when I think about my kids growing up and having all these talks. I am a big chicken!!
After reading all these comments a few thoughts came to mind:
1) Remember that the prophet has said to always use the proper names of body parts, not nicknames.
2)I 100% agree with Brenda. I had tons of questions growing up, I was always very curious about that particular topic and wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents. There were things I knew I could ask, and things I heard at school that I thought my parents would get mad at me for asking about. So one thing I know I will do is make sure my kids know they can ask anything, and I mean ANYTHING without me getting upset. And I too will bring it up if they never ask. Just because they're not asking, doesn't mean they aren't wondering.
Great point.
I love all the feedback on this topic. I haven't actually had "the talk" yet but have some great input on how to do it, so thanks, everyone, for all the comments! I really appreciate it!
We are no where near facing this topic with our young family. But I am glad to have read some advice for when the time comes to "talk".
And to answer your question about violin lessons. It's wonderful that your son wants to play. I think it's better for kids to start young because they absorb it all so much easier. I am not taking any new students right now because I have my plate full with all of Elisabeth's problems. However there are several talented violinists in the area who teach. If you call the Mid Columbia Symphony office (it's in the phonebook) they will give you a list of names and numbers of people who are taking on new students. I highly recommend Sherry Danielson. They should have her number there at the office. She spent years teaching in the school district and is very good with kids. She herself is quite accomplished.
Kelten is 8 and we haven’t really sat down and discussed everything but he has a basic knowledge of how everything works. Kippi is 5 and when I got pregnant with this baby she asked us how it got in my tummy. We told her how daddy’s have special seeds and mommy’s have special eggs. This of course didn’t cut it so Kelten told her Dad gave me one of his seeds and it made my egg grow and a baby hatches out of the egg…. I was a little thrown by how close he was and yet how off the mark he was all at once. Karl and I decided to let this sit for now and this summer once he is out of school and has time to really absorb it all w/o the peer thing hanging over him we will have the talk. Until then Kippi keeps commenting on how big my egg is getting That being said….
I agree with being very open and available to your kids. My husband’s family is very unapproachable on this subject and I think it did him and his siblings a disservice. I was raised very differently in this respect and even he can see the benefits of being Open with your kids. I remember growing up my parents were always very open and honest about discussing anything with us. They never laughed or made us feel uncomfortable. My mom is s nurse and actually taught some of the sex ed courses at our school. This probably made it easier for her to sit down with us and talk about everything and anything very practically I think it was helpful that she took us girls aside when the time was right and explained all the explicit stuff to us (pictures and all) and then once that was out of the way My dad came in and they answered any questions we had together and vice versa for the boys. This allowed them to maintain a united front while at the same time not putting any of us in a situation any more embarrassing then necessary. I also think it was a wonderful thing that my parents were so openly affectionate w/ each other. They never hesitated to give each other a kiss or even a little pat on the bum. They have always been very vocal about their love and yes, once we got older desire for each other. They were never "making out" in front of us it was all very subtle and yet very present in our home. In a lot of ways I think because of that we all saw how much they love and respected each other. This in turn helped us understand that this was the ultimate goal w/ a partner, and that it is not just about the physical side. This was also great because so many parents keep things behind closed doors and it often leaves kids confused about what is appropriate and what isn't. I am not saying privacy is overrated or on the other side of that, that it I necessary to live the life of constant PDA. I am just saying I think it helped us be more open w/ our parents knowing how much they loved each other. I can only hope that when we do sit down with our kids and finally have “The Talk” it goes as well for them as it did for me.
I love this topic and recently had a wonderful experience with my oldest son. I've wanted to blog about my experience but haven't taken the time to post about it until I read your post. I've finally shared my experience. Thanks! This is a subject that really needs to be addressed in our homes, because if we don't our children will collect the wrong impressions and feelings on their own. So go to blog, but only if you're ready for a short novel!!! :)
I found you all randomly, but wanted to shoot my 2 cents in the ring...
Some previous commenter mention the Education Week talk by the Eyrings. I heard them speak before I ever had children and DIED when they said 8... however after having my child be so inquisitive like yours did at a young age, I did have the talk with them. SEPERATELY! I think thats key. So no one feels embarrassed. I also asked them to first tell me what it was that they already knew, (so that I could correct any incorrect information)because whether we want to believe it or not, kids are talking about this stuff (or general stuff) at earlier ages. (i am LDS, and I have just recently moved BACK to Utah, but my 9 year old just talked to me about some very interesting stuff they talked about on the bus...)Once I knew what they knew, and had corrected anything (asking first if they REALLY wanted to know the answer). I always let them guide the conversation. That way, I'm not pushing them off, and I will answer it honestly. Even if I have to do it alone (my daughter asked me in the middle of lunch at burger king) I think you never want to brush it off, because then it closes the door and they are less willing to talk to you. I also think its important to NOT FREAK OUT!
My oldest would stop me when she had heard enough, then come back later and ask more questions. Same with my son. Its awkward at first, but gets easier, and now we have great conversations about what they are worried about and questions they have about their bodies.
Hope this helps.
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